a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








four


I broke all the rules today. I'm disappointed with myself, well kind of. First of all, one of those people who I "avoid" called. I promised myself I would deal with these people; but when it came down to it, I couldn't, well I wouldn't. He's not exactly a stable person & I just don't know if telling him to stop calling me is the greatest idea. You know, I really hate him now that I think about it. I don't even want to ever speak to him. I do not understand why he won't stop calling me! Anyway, the other rule that I broke was I called [him] a day early. Honestly I'm not upset that I did. I thought about it. He called me last nite & I didn't call him back so I figured I should call him back today. I know it sounds silly, but what if it mattered that I called, what if that call made a difference? It might not make sense, but it felt right to call.We ended up having a good conversation so I guess it worked out. It's strange he's the first guy in so long that doesn't have a HUGE flaw. Actually, he's kind of everything I want. It fucking kills me to say that. I just don't want to get my hopes up. It's foolish to set myself up to get hurt; yet on the other hand, I feel like if I don't give it a shot I'm being a pessimist.

There is a part of me that just wants to grab him & ask how he feels. I mean I don't know if him & I are the "perfect" match, but I need to know that he isn't just a guy looking for a fling or a friend. I just don't want to waste time (or get hurt.) I am such a lunatic, I know.I told him that I saw my ex-boyfriend again (because we saw him the other nite at the mall) & he seemed very interested. He kept asking me if I talked to him, what I said, what he said. Then I told him that we didn't really talk & he said 'good, you shouldn't talk to him.' What the fuck does that mean? I'm taking it as maybe there's something between him & I so I shouldn't be talking to my ex. Look at that optimism, I hope I'm right. I just can't be sure.


written on 2003-07-20 at 7:55 p.m.

she / lost