a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown

esproc (carnival)

the truth:
where am i &how did i get here?
i can not tell the difference between wrong &right. no clue what i want or what i need. i am blind &ignorant. a hypocrite, liar, fake, sell-out.
i am broken.
i was never enough on my own.

the fiction:
there is a corpse on my bedroom floor. she has been there awhile now. i kept covering her in clothes &blankets. i tried to forget. only the stench is just now becoming more than i can bear. i haven't been sleeping well. i wake up in the night &hear her beneath my bed, scratching at the mattress. always at 2:44am her heart begins to beat. now i am sitting at my desk, she is quiet, but for the screeching smell. i can not remember how she got in here. how did she get back here? [i threw away all of my prescriptions more than a month ago]. she wakes me up from dreams. words float in her breath. she says -alone, alone, alone. it was only a matter of time. take me back. don't you see? you need me. you need, need, need. you are nothing alone- there is a corpse on my bedroom floor. she spits suicide arias at me.

written on 2005-06-01 at 11:11 p.m.

she / lost