The only consolence that I find comes from my silent tears & painful thoughts. The only thing that I can do is blame myself. I know in my heart that it must be my fault. I am just not good enough. I know that I have also hurt other people. One example is a guy that really likes me, but I can not be with him for several reasons. His life is headed down a very different path than mine. Not only that, but I genuinely do not feel attracted to him at all for many reasons. So he just keeps calling & calling for months. I don't understand why. I do feel that because I don't return his feelings, that is why I am always getting hurt (or part of the reason.) Sort of like, "what goes around comes around.
"Now on the other hand, I did recently meet someone who I do like. I honestly have no idea if he likes me. One minute it seems like he really does, next minutes it seems like he wants nothing to do with me. In all honesty I am so confused about it. I know exactly what I need to do. Just relax & see where it goes. It's just very difficult for me to do that.
written on 2003-07-20 at 7:45 p.m.
she / lost