I call myself a smart person; yet, I don't think for one fucking second before I act & when/if I do think, I never make the right decision. I the action that I want to do, the action that my emotions pull me towards.The most pathetic part of it all is my pitiful attempts at self-control. I ate fucking lard & then ordered a diet-fucking-coke. In my pathetic, shit hole of a brain I was justifying my action. "Oh great, I am going to pipe steaming, fat shit lard into my body for no reason; BUT IT'S OKAY! DON'T WORRY, I'm having a DIET coke. It is very evident that I am a pathetic human being, I will not write down what I deserve.
So, why did I call him? Why, why, why, why, mother-fucking, why? I would truly love to sit here & bash the shit out of myself with demeaning adjectives to answer that question; but I feel it necessary to atleast try & decipher what fucking idiotic logic caused me to call him.
If karma exists, all of my life is an open book. Maybe not. Maybe. As sick as it is, I mentally (constantly) think back on every past relationship I have had & try to think of what it is that I did to someone to deserve the shit that happens to me.
I've gotten off topic & I can't help it. I deliberately ignore people. Straight up, don't answer their phone calls, don't return their messages, don't call them, sometimes (even tonite) I hang up on people! Like one minute they're talking to me, the next they hear a dead line! How fucking horrible is that? I know it is & I feel like a bad person for it, but I do it anyway. I do it not because I can't help it, but because I have no fucking self-control.
Rather than telling a person that I do not want to speak to them, I out right & avoid them by any means necessary. Now the alternative to this situation is simple confronting the situation head-on, telling the person how I truly feel, but the problem is that most of my reasons for not wanting to talk to people are fucked up. Here are some reasons why I "avoid" people.
-She is annoying.
-She is conceited.
-He acts like he wants a relationship with me, tries to convince people of this; but he is undoubtedly homosexual.
-He is uneducated.
-He has had 2 or 3 DUI's.
-He has no direction in life.
These qualities all belong to different people, but the point remains the same. For whatever reason, I do not want to associate with him/her & I can not tell them that because they will ask why & then what am I suppose to say, "You're gay! You're a bitch! etc. etc. etc." I can not come out & say those things, so I avoid.
These are my goals for tomorrow.
1. Answer my phone.
2. Do not call (him) even if he leaves a message.
written on 2003-07-20 at 7:38 p.m.
she / lost