but i am not thankful for being alone. & although i know there is so much more, they keep telling me that i have so much to live for, i can't accept it. i don't believe it. i don't care what they say because i am not happy & no matter how long i keep this fake smile pasted across my face: i am never going to be happy.
that's just the way it is for me. & there is such a huge part of me that believes if the right person comes along, he can make it all okay, but then i realize that that is the biggest load of bullshit possible. because how could i realistically allow my happiness to depend on another person? what happens when that person leaves me? (because he will, they always do.) so really, no matter what i do, i lose.
oh yes, i am thankful, but only with half of my heart. the God's honest truth is this;; the one & only thing that would make me truly thankful, whole-heartedly thankful, is if i could get the balls to blow my fucking head off.
& that makes me sick. because it reminds me that i am nothing but an ungrateful bitch who doesn't deserve this life. i genuinely do not deserve any of the things that i have because i am ungrateful. & i wish with everything that i could just be grateful & happy, but i can't. no matter how hard i try, i can't.
i just want to know happiness.
written on 2003-11-27 at 10:06 p.m.
she / lost