& i want to tell a story. i want there to be meaning & climax & resolution. i do not want to be a talking head. but for fuck's sake, if you could look into my eyes & see into my soul for a nanosecond you would know;; because that is all it would take. you would know that
i can't.
it's not enough anymore. it's not enough for me to think about the nite that i was raped when i was fifteen fucking years old. it is not enough for me to think about how many times i've been dicked over. it's not enough to get a rise out of me. it's not enough to make me sick or make me mad or make me cry.
when i told you that i was desensitized, you might have believed it;; but when you saw the scars, when you saw the gaping flesh you couldn't handle it. it's too ugly inside of me. it's too ugly outside of me. i am dying, my soul is dying, you can not tell me that there exists a pain worse than this. i will not believe it.
& i am sorry that this is not beautiful.
written on 2003-11-24 at 11:14 p.m.
she / lost