i am afraid because i never wanted to end up alone & even if it's not forever: it's now. nothing will change the way i feel right now. so many nites i've prayed for changes, for strength. but i have remained pathetic & the things around me, the things that are supposed to be beautiful, they have remained pathetic. & i was so disgusted today at something one of my co-workers told me, all i could say was ungodly. she was taken aback. i meant what i said: ungodly. that's it, i have no other words for you.
hopes of a warm room. eyes gazing, eyes in love. laughter. love. warm hands. i drove past his house two nites ago. i said it gave me closure. only there could never be closure. but yet i hope. two thursdays from now, my happiness lays in yr hands & i've got this feeling that it won't work out; simply because --- it never does.
written on 2003-11-17 at 9:59 p.m.
she / lost