i wear a guise of a smile, but what would it take for someone to see past it? i need to know. i need to know why no one understands. i need to know why no one wants to understand. how fucking far away am i from the rest of the world? really, i know i am afraid of it, but for three years now i have thought about killing myself. & i wonder if this is how my life will be forever. i don't want to live like this, but this is it. this is me, stripped down to skin & bones, this is me. when you take everything else away, all of the acts, the masks, the facades: all that i am is a girl, a very sad girl.
it's too late. the damage has been done. too many cigarettes, burning bright against powder blue skies & white oleander clouds. it's over. there were simply too many nites of laughing, laughing so hard that everything hurt. there were too many nites of crying, crying for hours, head pounding, eyes cracking dry. too many suicide notes. too many wishes. too many broken promises. too many broken hearts, broken friendships. too many fights. too many lies. too many pills, medications, prescriptions. too many appointments. too many jobs. too much school. too much pain, everywhere pain.
i died on november 11th of the year 2001. i've only been a shell of a girl since then & that's all i will ever be.
written on 2003-11-11 at 11:10 p.m.
she / lost