a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








acceptance


i wish i could continue to fight these bloody tears forever. i can't. i can feel myself growing weak. i am wishing for ridiculous things. if only i could accept the lack of happiness, welcome the ever-present pain. it would make everything easier.

soft tiny rivers of blue on my wrists, screaming, "you should see what is inside of us! don't be afraid. just do it." i wonder if it was all meant to be this way. i wonder if there was ever a time when there was hope for me.

i am feeding myself poison, but for what? if i make my self so sick that i become beautiful, will i find happiness? or is it an impossibility? i am only taking breaths out of guilt. if i didn't feel obligated, i would be gone, so far away by now.

i'm not living for me. then again, i don't know if i would call this living.


written on 2003-06-12 at 12:15 p.m.

she / lost