i can not describe the fear that the fact evokes. the fact that the thing that i want least is the only way out.
i tried to force you out of me three days ago, love. i put my finger down my throat & i tried to force you out. for the first time ever, i got the strength to do it. & when it was over i remembered that i can not get you out of me. i remembered that the poison you inflicted beneath my skin runs deep. deep & dark, endless through my weak veins. but it was too late, love, the damage had been done.
just another contrivance of pain that i can let fester through my body, this empty cavity. it's hard for me to believe that the physical ones are growing on me.
i cried today while i was driving around the resevoir & i can lie to myself until i am blue in the face; but we both know that when my eyes became so blurry with tears that i could not see the road... we both know what we were hoping for. a momentary loss of control, that's all it would have taken to make it all fall away.
written on 2003-06-11 at 12:40 a.m.
she / lost