i had so much love to give that it broke loose & escaped. like a flood breaking down a dam. all of it spilled over and out, over & out to no where special. all it ever needed was a place to go, but i couldn't find one.
there used to be a glass pane in front of me. this nightmare has cracked it to a million pieces. i am so alone that all i can do is frantically pick up the shards. on hand & knee I search them out in the darkness. cutting open the flesh on my cold hands, spilling dismal blood on the cruel ground.
i need to be loved & i know that patience is a virtue. i am sorry but this ceaseless pain has made me a little bit less than fucking virtuous.
i don't know what i want. i convince myself of my own desperation but the fact is that i am simply not desperate. i could have a relationship right now if i wanted one. maybe it wouldn't meet my standards, but the fact that i have standards alone proves that i am not desperate. yet i continue to convince myself that these suicidal thoughts are caused by a lonesome desperation.
i am sick & i am alone. take a walk with me. take a look inside of me. take a deep breath. you'll need it.
written on 2003-06-05 at 11:48 p.m.
she / lost