Now much time has passed since he abandoned me. I have built walls around me. Walls of solid steal & brick & walls of pain, walls of grief. I have baracaded myself from love, from advances, from all of it. I've turned everyone away. Steadily, but thoroughly, I rejected every single person who tried to get close to me. The kindest of words that were spoken to me, I pushed aside. I spit in the faces of those who came too near & I betrayed those who got too close. I did this all out of fear. I did this all because of the walls & the pain & the scars. Because that was my life, it was all I knew.
Now someone from my past has come back to haunt me. Not the one, but someone else. Someone else who also hurt me, not as badly of course, but he still hurt me. I don't know how he has crept back into my life, but he has. I find myself falling for him all over again. Only this time, harder & faster. He hasn't changed a bit. He even admits it! Can you imagine? The things that people have offered me, said to me! And now I am falling for this asshole, for what!? I don't know.
I am waiting for him to crush me. I brace myself every minute of the day for it. In some ways, he already has with some of the things he has said, but what can I do? These walls have been up for so long, so very long. He is the first person that I have even considered letting in. I can't help but do it...
Atleast I know that he will not break my heart, for my heart is no more.
written on 2003-06-04 at 11:31 p.m.
she / lost