My doctor lowered my medication today, for the first time in almost a year. How does that make you feel? I wish it meant that I am getting better, but I don�t think I am. There are days when I think I might be, but there are hours where I know I�m not.
I wished for a very long time for someone to come along and want me. Then recently someone did. He isn�t perfect, but he really, really seems to care. I keep ignoring him, to say the least. He just keeps calling and calling, I keep ignoring. I do not know why. This is what I wanted, isn�t it? I think that I was wrong. I don�t think I ever knew what I wanted. The only thing that I ever had that I really loved was my relationship with Brian. It was really pointless the more I think about it. It was short and it was stupid, I know all of this, but somehow I fell completely in love with him. He left me over a year ago. Now I have had relationships since then. But I have never been able to get close to anyone. I am not even nearly able to get anywhere close to being intimate with a person. I really don�t know why. I think it is because Brian was my first and he hurt me so badly that I am so afraid to put myself out there again. But then sometimes I think that that doesn�t even make sense, because I know that I have to put myself out there and I know that I can never get hurt that badly again, because it�s just not possible.
I am living in a complete frenzy of hopelessness. With every step that I take forward I really take two backwards. I want to be happy. But how can I be happy when I do not know what I want? It seems that all of the things that I wanted won�t make me happy.
I am so confused. School is almost over for the summer. I truly and honestly with every ounce of blood and thought in my body hope and pray that this summer will give me some guidance. That�s really what I need right now, guidance.
written on 2003-04-28 at 8:34 p.m.
she / lost