a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








wet color


I am going through a difficult time in my life. I think that being eighteen, going on nineteen is just a period of alot of transition. It doesn't have to be so hard, but when you're going through it alone sometimes, it hurts. I am caught somewhere between being an adult and being a child. And I am not trying to sound like Britney Spears, for God's sake. But it's just true. I want to be independant, but I can't do it on my own. Not emotionally and especially not financially.

I applied for a couple jobs today and I have an interview tomorrow after school. The thing is, is that I really, really do not want to leave my job at the library, but I can not financially afford to stay there. Because I need to get a car, point blank, the one that I have now is a goner and I need a new one. My salary at the library is just not enough to pay the monthly installments. It really sucks because I love that job and I love everyone there so much. I am hoping that maybe I will be able to keep that one and take on a second. But I mean in realilty that's probably not the smartest thing to do because the salary is just so low. But I've always believed that you should have a job because you like it, not because you like the money... but at this point that logic is just not feesible!

The last few entries have definitely been very poetic. It's hard for me to write like this, in clear words and statements because my mind is always so clouded up. It's like a drippy painting running with wet color and my thoughts are just so hard to express clearly.

I got back most of my midterms now and I got an A on every one of them. It is amazing. I feel like it should make me happier though. I mean I am thrilled that I did well, but at the same time with every minute that is passing in my life I feel like I am struggling to keep my head above water.


written on 2003-04-03 at 3:13 p.m.

she / lost