Too much to do. I'm at work now. Another hour and fifteen minutes to go. Too slow... Then I have to go home. HAVE to go home.. So much homework, so much to do, much to do about nothing.. ((( to do, ado ? )))
The whole day was a disaster. Nothing went right. My car door was frozen shut this morning, you know? I am not even going to get into that whole story. Then I wanted to talk to that guy, you know? He finished his test before me, DESPITE my best efforts, and he left. I scribbled down my last answer and tried to catch up with him, but he was too far gone. Gone.. Maybe gone somewhere with the rest. Where I wish I was or am.
Losing it now? Yea, just a little I'd say. But no one cares what I say, so why say? Who knows? Not me...
I just want to go home and go to sleep now. Do you know that there are some people in the world who never have to do anything that they don't want to do? Is that not amazing? I find it hard to believe and impossible to imagine. Only doing what you want to do. When you want to do it. Amazing...
Anyway, I really wanted to talk to him today. But I couldn't. I think it might have been another sign from God. Maybe I simply was not supposed to. Maybe someone feels pity for me and does not want me to get rejected again. I am so caught up on this whole rejection thing. The sad part is, that I am liking it.. HAHA I think that I have always gotten what I wanted in the past or maybe it was just that I didn't want anything. Now it's like I don't get anything that I want. Nothing, not a damned thing.
All in all I think there is a cheerfulness to my pessimism... Usually it's more about bloody tears, and rivers of black...pools of pain and rage... Yes there is a cheery side to my pessimism after all...
written on 2003-02-11 at 6:42 p.m.
she / lost