my thoughts are irrational & negative. that's it. as complicated, sick, bloody, painful as my life has been these past six years, it's so easy to understand why. my thoughts are irrational & negative, they need to be rational & positive.
i am sick, my therapist agrees with that & she does acknowledge the fact that i am on medication & need to stay on medication, but she is teaching me that i don't have to be sad. better yet, she is teaching me how to be happy.
i am afraid, of course i am afraid, but i can't let myself believe forever that there is no hope for me. i have to realize that there's a chance, there's a chance for me. i have to change my irrational, negative thoughts into rational, positive thoughts. it's so simple, but six years of suicide are hard to undo; but i've got to try.
i am in the honors literary & performing arts track at my university. every individual in it has to do a final project upon graduation. people who are screen writers may put on a play, musicians may have a recital, poets read their work, actors act, writers write, etc. the point is that you have to have some grand finale of sorts before graduating to complete the honors track. i have two more years until i graduate, but we had a meeting yesterday & the advisor told us that we should seriously start considering what we want to do for our final projects. i thought & thought. i knew i was going to do something involving poetry, but i wasn't quite sure what; then it struck me. i am going to travel to fifty cities in the next two years, maybe here in the u.s. & maybe even to cities in other countries if possible. i am going to keep free-thought journals on each trip & at each location. i am also going to take photgraphs. when my journey is complete, i am going to take the free-writings & turn them into fifty poems. then i will pair each poem with its respective photo. together it will be my final compilation. i'm very excited about the whole thing. i think it will be an intellectual & spiritual journey for me.
written on 2004-03-02 at 10:56 p.m.
she / lost