a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








s.o.s.


there is a cold pain in my lower body. it's creeping through the veins underneath my naval & my lowerback & my thighs. it hurts. like a throbbing pain. like i am being raped. & everything is cold. i do not feel alone, yet i do. everything hurts. thoughts are fucking exploding. blood is spattering on white walls, white sheets. i want to run, my legs won't move. i will hide under sheets until i am warm. i will cry & cry & my body will shake. i will convulse. this pain won't go away. i am so ashamed of me. so ashamed of me. i want this pain to stop. i am pushing myself up on the arms of a chair. i am rolling my head around. i want to cover my ears & i remember that it will not make the pain stop or the screaming stop. i remember that it's all in my head. fuck. i'm at my worst for a moment. fighting back tears. so fucking cold. hands covering face now, black. i need to be okay, i need to be okay, i need to be okay. i'm not.


written on 2004-01-15 at 12:00 a.m.

she / lost