a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








breakdownagain&again&wellyouknow


i drove home slowly tonite because everyone kept warning me about black ice all day. & i started thinking about you & then our first kiss. i thought about all of the times that you held me in the back of cars. i thought about the nite that we kissed & we talked about it. i thought about how close you held me on the cold nite before i went away. i thought about how much i loved love you. & then breakdown came on the radio like magic.

'you called yesterday / to basically say / that you care for me but / that you're just not in love / immediately i pretended to be feeling similarly / & led you to believe / i was okay to just walk away / from the one thing thats unyielding & sacred to me'

& i almost lost it then & i almost wanted to speed then & i almost hoped that maybe then i would hit a fucking patch of black ice;; but i didn't.

& i thought about the nite that you left me for good. i thought about what i told you & how scared we both were & how you just couldn't handle it. & i thought about it, how it felt to find out two fucking days later that you were with someone else. & i thought about how it's mostly my fault because i am just not fucking good enough;; not for you, not for anyone. & i thought about how many times i've said to myself:
i haven't been much since you left me.
i haven't been much since you left me.
i haven't been much since you left me.

'so what do you do when / somebody you're so devoted to / suddenly just stops loving you / & it seems they haven't got a clue / of the pain that rejection is putting you through / do you cling to your pride / & sing i will survive / do you lash out & say / how dare you leave this way / do you hold on in vain as they just slip away'


written on 2003-12-15 at 10:19 p.m.

she / lost