i am ill.
i am having the catscans done on tuesday at one 'o clock. who is afraid?
i had my contemporary math final today. i got a C. i got a C in the class too. my first C in college. i am disgusted & at the same time just relieved that it's over.
i cried myself to sleep last nite. i came very close to going upstairs & quietly taking my dad's rifle from his room & shooting myself. i would have raised the rifle up to the right side of my head, pushed it hard against my temple & pulled the trigger.
i have to do things. it's becoming evident. i have to break my comfort zones or i will stay trapped.
like black coffee running through our veins. dark black & brown swirls of caffeine clotting scarlet blood, staining pink body tissue. no need to run alice;; no need to run. we can not be afraid of cards, games, queens. no, we can not be afraid. i've been taking the scenic route home. i feel free when i am driving. i feel like an ugly bird flying against a beautiful azure sky & i forget the pain. i want to stop hating myself.
i am so fucking ill.
written on 2003-12-12 at 11:33 p.m.
she / lost