a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








emergence


i have had your name written across my wrist in black ink for three weeks now. when it began to fade, i traced it again & again so that i could always see it. but this morning i washed it off in the shower; because last nite i realized something. between my tears & your pretensious words, i realized: i am not the one who needs to change, you are.

i feel myself growing stronger, conscious of my dependencies, addictions, the fallacies i tell myself to get by, it's all lies. i know that now & i am growing. & i am not going to draw myself on white sheets of paper any longer & crumple myself up into tiny balls & throw myself out like yesterday's trash. that is not me. it never was, but i was too afraid to admit that to myself.

see, the only thing that i have known how to do for so long is to be insecure. it has to do with everything- from the inside to the out, from you to me. i have chosen (consciously or subconsciously) to forbid myself from seing any beauty [within me.] only it's there & i will not apologize for it any longer. it is there & i am happy & grateful for it & most of all, i am not ashamed.


written on 2003-11-04 at 11:00 p.m.

she / lost