a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








despondency


when the early, twilight morning hours kiss my sleep soaked face; the nightmares come back to me in droves. & i wish that i didn't remember because the horror is more than i can bare. & the headache has been here for two weeks now & i need to know when it will leave me alone. i feel like Sisyphus since it never stops. none of it ever fucking stops. [& as many times as i've said it before] i simply do not know how much longer i can keep this God forsaken, crescent moon-shaped guise pasted across my face. it's like maybe they need to see the tears or the grotesque distortions of wrinkled up pain; the blood pouring from my veins or the bruises across my vital organs. maybe that is the only way because inside [& in the nightmares] i am screaming 'this can't be fucking real, perhaps i just need a God damned doctor.' only when i think about it, we all know that i've seen them all & they've not helped a bit.

& again i'm at a loss. i am trapped in an eternal state of pain, falsehood, & longing for a time & place; any other time & place. anything but this [won't someone help me, please?]


written on 2003-09-19 at 9:02 a.m.

she / lost