i stop myself from expression. i choke out emotion. strangle color, strangle color, strangle it until it can not breathe anymore. i only allow black in here. no emotion. somebody tell me why the fuck i am holding myself back [from everything.]
the mirrors in the back of my mind are scribbled out now;; coated with thick layers of waxy, black crayon. it's back there that i don't allow myself to see beauty. i simply can't in those dirty, dirty mirrors. all the love, all the color in my life, it get's drown out back there. filtered so that only the impure gets through, only the dark.
i want it to stop, but the man keeps lowering the dosages & sometimes i don't know if i'll ever be able to do it on my own. you see, maybe this is it;; & if it is, let this next breath be my last. [please.]
written on 2003-08-06 at 10:59 p.m.
she / lost