a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








vomit


few & far between these thoughts come to me. see, i can not love. i can not trust. there is a threshhold within all of us, a toleration for pain. mine has been ripped open. sliced, diced, thrashed, bludgeoned , beaten, battered. my threshhold is no more. i am desensitized.

i am not cruel or heartless, i am simply broken. i had a heart once. a bright red happy thing that i wore on the sleeve of my shirt. full of hope, full of love. oh how my heart would shine. a radiant beam of warmth, a willingness, a longing to love & be loved. but then it was maimed, mangled, mutilated. damaged, injured & disfigured by beating & abuse. my happy heart is gone. all that is left is a dark, shadowy void & some shattered pieces on the dirty ground.

i fear i am too far gone now. too far adrift on my own sea of despair to let anyone in ever, ever again. and i am running as always. torn between myself & reality. i am ripping at the seams.


written on 2003-06-02 at 2:29 p.m.

she / lost