Tears have been falling steadily now for three hours. I stopped to go to church, but that was it. And it was hard to fight the tears even then.
I am so sorry for breaking our plans. To all of you, I am so sorry. But you need to understand that I just can't do it. I can't do this.
I have to talk now about the girls. They take quizzes and then they write in their diaries that they are depressed or that they have a border-line personality. I used to be one of those girls before I got sick. I used to look for outlets from fake pain or for attention.
I have been good for so long. I haven't had a break down like this in so long. I don't know why this is happening. I used to turn to my mother. I would beg her to admit me into a hospital. She always just pulled me through it and I pulled myself through it. Now I am an adult and I can't turn to her. I can't turn to anyone. Because I know that I will scare people. Because this is so unnatural.
I am so deeply sad. I am sad for everyone. I am sad because of the statistics that they teach me in school. They are devastating. I am sad because of what they show me on the news. I am sad because I am nothing.
I could apologize for this later, but if I forget, I am sorry.
written on 2003-03-29 at 7:08 p.m.
she / lost