a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








spinning


I will not and can not continue to candy coat my thoughts. Is that clear to anyone? Day in and day out I am watching my mouth, watching my hands, watching my thoughts. All because of what? Because everyday I learn something new about someone or someplace that is far less fortunate than me. I learn about the oppressed and the suffering and I am sorry. I am so sorry, God knows that I am. I just can't change it all. I do not have the magic wand. And meanwhile I have people in my ear constantly. Telling me that life is too short. That I have to stop caring about everyone else. That I have to start worrying about me. My head is spinning around like the fucking exorcist and I am tired of it. It's like the forces of hell are ripping my arms in two different directions. One is telling me to join the God damned Peace Corps and fly off to Bosnia to treat victims of the abola virus... and the other is saying for God's sake you stupid bitch open up your eyes and realize that you will never be able to change anything so just live your life.

I am beyond tired.. I haven't stayed up this late in a very, very long time. And it isn't even that late (which is the sad part.) But regardless, I think my head is going to fall down to the keyboard and splatter all over this room in two seconds if I don't go to bed... So that is what I am going to do. Maybe this entry should be written off altogether... Maybe not... I have never deleted an entry, but there might have to be an exception made tomorrow.. When I can think clearly.. We shall see..

Good nite..


written on 2003-03-03 at 12:22 a.m.

she / lost