a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








simple irrelevance


looking down. that's the only way I can put it right now. I thought for a moment that maybe I had gained some control over my life, over my feelings, and most of all my actions. but right now I am not so sure. it is literally like I am looking down at myself from somewhere far away and hoping. and praying that I will make the correct move. almost like everything I have ever worked for is coming to a gigantic fork in a road and I am watching myself decide which path to take.

the funny thing is, is that nothing important is even happening. everything is as normal. went to school today. I'll go to work at three-thirty. It's just an ordinary day. but something feels different at this moment. maybe circumstance. maybe the air. I do not know. and I can't know. it's like going through the motions, but not just the motions. watching myself breathe, walk, pump blood. the involuntary seems voluntary, but as if it's being done by someone or something else.

it's all irrelevant really. simple dissociation. temporary as usual. sparked by something unseen, unheard, untold.

wish me luck in coping with the rest of this day.. life.. ?


written on 2003-02-26 at 2:40 p.m.

she / lost