I really do not know what is wrong with me. My mother thinks I am a hypchondriac. But I swear to God there are things wrong with me. Physically wrong. I can see things and feel things. I get a headache everyday. And I am always tired. And there are other things, disgusting things that I can't even write down.
I really do not know why I do this to myself. I don't think I have seen anyone aside from my family, work, and school in atleast a month. Except for Kristen. And I was suppose to meet her tonite, she was suppose to call me at 5, well it's almost 10 now. I don't know what the fuck happened to her.
I am mentally fucked up in the head. But I don't know. I can't just blame the whole situation on nothing. I know I have valid reasons for being the way I am. I grew up with six best friends. I have said this a thousand times, they all stabbed me in the back, except for Kristen. They all had abortions, except for Kristen. I have had one serious relationship and that went well... (see entries "the beginning" and "untitled" for that story) The point is, is that whole experience was utterly devastating. Now since I've come to college, I have had crushes on two guys and basically been rebuffed by both of them.
So backstabbing, abortions, heart break, and more hurt. That is basically the story of the last year of my life. Oh wait and I forgot that the majority of my friends have now turned to crack, I can't forget that part.
Does all of that justify why I am the way I am? Why I am terrified to form any kind of relationships? Or am I just psychotic, point blank?
I do not know and I am so scared and no one will help me.
In 2001, I became severely mentally ill and I had to undergo therapy and medical treatment. I had a severe anxiety disorder. At the time, however, I did not know what was wrong with me and I flat out thought I was losing my mind. I was extremely suicidal to the point where I actually wrote a suicide note (okay, I was going to include that note as an entry because I have it on my computer, but I decided it is too personal at this point, but if anyone would want to read it, let me know and I will share) and almost attempted. Thank God I didn't and I got help. Alot of the poetry that I write now has to do with that whole experience and in so many ways I am glad that it is over. I will never be able to express my gratitude to God or myself or my therapists and family for helping me through that period. But the thing is that at this point, I am getting depressed again. I am really and truly getting depressed. But this time I do not have a mental disorder to blame it on. And I feel like I should just be grateful that I am mentally healthy now. That I should stop with all of this depressed shit and be happy and joyous about the life that I have. But I can't.
It seems that all I can find around me is failure. I look around and I see that everyone has some kind of talents. Everyone. Whether it be small or enormous. But I don't see any of it in me. I truthfully feel worthless.
I am so scared right now. Terrified of what lies before me on this path that seems only to get steeper, more lonely, and more painful every passing day.
written on 2003-02-21 at 9:47 p.m.
she / lost