a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








until the day I die...


I think that we are all so sad. No matter who we are, I don't think it is ever EASY to be happy. Right now I am content. I didn't have a good day, but I had a good last 45 minutes or so. It's simply because I was doing something that made me feel good. No not any kind of quick fix. Those will never help. I quit smoking. I haven't smoked in one month and I don't think I will ever again. Yea so I quit after 4 and a half years, cold turkey. Yes it was kind of hard, but it wasn't impossible like some people claim. I don't buy the addiction shit. I don't know. I am eighteen years old and I grew up with an alcoholic for a father. I still don't buy addiction. I have attended AA meetings and researched alcoholism and drug addiction. Sorry to those of you out there who have an addiction and claim that it's physical or something, but I do not buy it. I made a choice to quit smoking and I quit smoking. I made a choice a year ago to stop smoking weed and I did. I don't know.. I am a strong believer that in this world fate and free will play equal parts in our lives, but when it comes to decision making, I believe that we all make choices. We MAKE choices, actions do not take us and force us to do them. Obviously there are certain things that may happen to you that you don't choose to take a part in (being raped, crashing a car) but for the most part, we choose what we do and who we are.

I've spent a great deal of my life crying. I know that I might wake up tomorrow and forget everything I am thinking about right now, which I probably will, but for right now I know that *I am tired of crying.* Believe it or not there are actually things out there that I like to do. Maybe I do not need to get exactly what I want all of the time. Maybe it is okay that things don't always go in my favor and I get alot of shit luck. I know things can always be worse and as bad as it seems, I'm still breathing. In this day and age, society puts unattainable images into our heads and it makes me sick. I feel bad for the people who can not look at those images and realize them for what they are, UNATTAINABLE. We are not going to receive a message in a bottle. We are not going to find a 48 hour miracle diet. We are never going to be, act, or look perfect. We might find love and if we're meant to we will, but crying about it day after day is not going to help. I know that I have loved people and gotten hurt by them and there is absolutely no denying how badly it hurt and no denying that the pain might never go away, but I am still breathing and until the day I die, no one can take that away from me.


written on 2003-01-22 at 10:32 p.m.

she / lost