The night before I left was horrible. We ended up going to a park with a few of our friends and just hanging out. He just kept his arms around me the whole time. We both knew how badly we wanted for me to stay, but I had already paid like 600 dollars I think. So I bought a phone card and just left that next morning. I pretty much called him everyday and spent the entire trip telling my best friend how much I missed him. But I did have fun and I brought him back a really cute gift.
So finally I came back home and of course saw him that night. I gave him his gift and he liked it. Everything was still going good. We pretty much hung out all the time and always just had fun, he never pressured me to do anything and it was honestly the happiest I ever was in my whole life. I liked him alot, probably too much and all my friends told me that I liked him too much and I was pushing too hard, etc. etc. But there was nothing I could do, I was in love with him after about a month and a half I think it was.
So at that point, things were still really good, I mean as much as I loved him I tried to give him some space, and I did. One night we were all hanging out and he wasn't there and he lied to me about something over the phone. We ended up meeting up with him later that night and of course he came up to me and he was like surprise. Because supposedly he was supposed to be somewhere else. Well that was all I needed. We had our first fight there. I basically just ignored him and said you're a fucking liar. So he is really laid back and doesn't like to argue so he just walked away from me. So we all ended up going to a bar and him and I weren't talking. All of our friends were dancing and having a good time but him and I were just sitting down apart from each other. So finally I decided fuck it I am just going to go over by him and I did. At first it was weird, but then I started talking to him and before I knew we were kissing and it was all good and I was getting drunk.
This is getting harder and harder to get out now.
So that night we ended up leaving the bar and he was going to go home. But my friend's mom was away on vacation so we had her house and we were all going to sleep there, but he wanted to go home. So I was really drunk and I was begging him to come to my friend's house. So finally he said okay, even though he had work really early the next morning.
Well we all knew what was going to happen next. My one friend and her boyfriend were in the bedroom for awhile and it was perfectly evident what was going on and me and him were on the couch. Then they came out and we all knew what they did or whatever and he said something like why don't we go in there. So we did. And one thing led to another and I was really drunk. So I lost my virginity that night.
After that everything was good between us. We continued hanging out and he came over here and met my parents. It was all good. Until I guess about a week or so later. I thought I was pregnant. Yeah... I kept it to myself for awhile and my friends just weren't enough support for me when I told them. Some of them even got mad at me. I was so upset and scared. Then out of no where he started acting like a dick. Like it was the weirdest thing, I didn't know where it came from.
So I was really confused and I was hurting and I had no where else to turn so I went to his house one night. We were sitting outside on the curb in front of his house and I told him. I basically told him that I had nobody else and I was scared and he basically told me that he didn't want anything serious with me.
Yeah.. I couldn't believe it, but I had to accept it. There was nothing I could do and I knew that. I was completely in love with him and he just did not care. I found out about a week or so later that I wasn't pregnant and I let him know. I also found out that he was dating someone else. So I assume that is why he broke it off with me. This all happened almost a year ago now, but I still think about him almost everyday. I haven't had sex with anyone else. I haven't had a serious relationship. I haven't been able to trust anyone.
I used to talk to him a little bit during the first few months, but now he won't talk to me anymore. As far as I know he is still with that girl.
I think that I have moved on, I still love him but I have accepted the fact that he does not and never did love me.
I am looking for someone new and I have been looking for someone new, but nothing ever works out. And I fear that nothing will ever work out.
I am happy now and I am definitely getting better. I have dated SO many guys since him. I don't know, it is a chapter in my life that is over, but one that I just can't seem to forget. This is the first time that I ever got out the story in it's entirety.
Life is just a series of ups and downs and high and lows. It's just hard because sometimes you find something that nothing else can compare to. In the back of your head you know that someday you will find something better, but until you do, you kind of just stand around looking up at something that once was. I cry, but I laugh, and I dream, but I live. I guess it's just one of those things...
written on 2003-01-14 at 1:17 p.m.
she / lost