a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








avoidance


I keep ending my relationships. It's been happening for about a year now. At first, I thought it was just that I didn't like certain people, so I stopped talking to them, but now, since last April I think, I have pretty much ended most of my friendships and (love interest, boyfriends, etc) relationships. At first most of my old friends were really accepting of my constant ignoring them, not returning their phone calls, never wanting to go out, and stuff like that, but recently, within the past four months, most of them have just stopped trying. The funny part is, that I don't give two shits. Yeah, I mean some of them were dicks and bitches, but some of them were my good friends, not to mention good people. But I can't seem to hang out with anyone for more than a month at a time steadily without getting entirely sick of them and starting to cut them off. Every guy that I date, I find fault with. But then of course the ones who I think okay maybe this might work, reject me in some way or another. And my friendships have all just gotten shot to hell because for some reason I just think of any excuse I possibly can not to spend time with people. But then as soon as someone new comes along I will chill with them regularly or whatever, until... you guessed it. I don't know what the fuck is going on inside my head. I think that some one pointed it out to me awhile ago, and then just last week a good friend of mine pointed it out again, but this time I took it seriously and realized she is right. The sad thing is that I really make up excuses in my mind as to why I can not hang out with these people and I believe what I tell myself, I mean to this instant I believe that all my reasons for not seeing people are valid, but it's not just like one or two people, it's e v e r y o n e, so apparently, well maybe it's not them, maybe it's me ???

So now my whole thing is why. Why am I doing this, what caused it etc etc... It's all pointing to - him. - I do not think I have mentioned him in here yet, well I have but, that was in the beginning when I was writing in very abstract things, so it wouldn't make any sense now. But anyway, when I look back at what point this whole thing started, it was just after everything between me and him ended. I mean, I think that is the root of this problem, but then again he is the root of every fucking problem I have. Well... I don't know. There are other things that could have caused this. Let's see maybe the fact that 4 out of the 5 best friends that I've had in my life had either fucked or hooked up with a guy I was seeing. Do you think that could cause trust issues ? *haha* Let's see, what other things might have brought this on... I don't know. I really don't and honestly I don't care. The more I think about it, the more happy it makes me. As sick as it may all sound, short relationships are good relationships for me. It gives people less time to rip my heart out and spit on the still-beating organ laying bloody on the ground... Oh there I go off on a tangent again. Well I got to get going... things to do. Next entry I have to write about -him - if I remember which I probably won't.


written on 2003-01-11 at 6:19 p.m.

she / lost