i'm learning how to be happy. i am like a baby taking her first steps outside. slowly, shakily, one foot after the other. eyes squinting out rays of sunshine. yea, it's like that. & it's scary & it's beautiful.
i still have my days. i have days of sickness, sadness. days where it takes everything inside of me not to give in to the sadness. i don't know that those days will ever go away. but i know that things are so different now.
the biggest difference is this ability to write here in full sentences. i can answer the questions in my head & sort through my thoughts. it's not so terribly cloudy.
so now the biggest question of all is staring me in the face: what do i do with all of this, sparklytears & dedications & starcut? do i throw them away. leave them as they are now, eternally frozed as tokens of my past? places where i turned in the darkest of times? places where i went when i had no where else to go?
or do i push on? knowing full well that it won't be the same. i am so afraid that no one will be here anymore, because it will be different. i am afraid that without sadness i have nothing to offer. i am afraid of letting everyone down, of disappointing.
i guess time will tell.
written on 2004-03-15 at 11:25 p.m.
she / lost