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i wake up in the morning. there are three types of mornings for me. work, school, or nothing. i think work mornings are the worst, then school, then nothing, of course. i love free time, only i fuck it up (like i fuck everything up). there is so much that i want to do. i want to clean my room. i want to buy new furniture, mostly more book shelves & a desk. i want to get rid of all of the clothes that i don't wear anymore. i want new clothes. i want new shoes. but i do not want to spend money. i want to save money. because i want to travel. i want to study in Australia for a semester & i want to study in The School of Art in Venice for a summer. yet i go & spend three hundred dollars in one store in thirty five minutes, when i want to go to disney world with the boy. i want to go to a bed & breakfast with the boy. i want a bridal shower. a home. a baby shower. a baby. i want to make the boy happy in every way.
you see, how i want & want & want & want . . . yet: nothing. there are all these beginnings without ends. i am running my fingers down endless lengths of silk ribbon & i can not get to the end. [it's killing me. killingmekillingmekillingme.]
so, all that i can think to do is to end this in the only way that i know how to end this;; when i remember;; that
i can't.
written on 2004-01-29 at 11:19 p.m.
she / lost