where there should be happiness, there is darkness. freedom slips & slides between my hot/cold hands. i'm giving all of me. it's so much more than clinging. it's hanging on by threads of threads. it's closer than inconceivable.
everything fades to gray. i hold on to memories & the hope that one day it will all be okay again;; but the fear that it won't seems to be getting the better of me. i want to let go of the past. it's just that i am so alone & i don't know how to handle it. i've been lying to myself for so long that my lips are numb to truth. my eyes do not know how to sparkle unless they are filled with tears. my mouth can not smile unless it is a fake.
finding beauty in the most unexpected of places, finding courage. there is strength in me yet, not so much, but strength all the same. i don't know if a tear was ever shed over me. i don't know how many tears i shed over him & him & him & her & her & her. i just know that i am holding on a little bit longer & each minute that passes by: i get a little bit weaker & a little bit stronger. this is me letting go & holding on. it doesn't have to be either/or. it doesn't have to be this or that. we are both. we are human. i am good & bad. i am happy & sad. i am an imperfect spirit. god & man & everything inbetween.
crying & laughing. being human. i am NOT okay & you are NOT okay, but that's OKAY.
i am suicidal & loving life. i am dead & alive. are you getting this picture?
written on 2003-12-22 at 11:04 p.m.
she / lost