that is, until today. see i take another medication too, effexor. it's for my anxiety. i've been taking that for three years or more? anyway, i slept a half hour late this morning & when i sleep late i get dizzy & sick because i don't get the effexor on time. following? so when i woke up this morning i had a little head ache so i figured 'ehhh it's probably because i slept late & didn't get the medication on time.' well as the day went on, the head ache got worse & worse. by 4:30 i felt like shit. that's putting it so lightly. so i sat through the rest of my last day of creative writing class with a stabbing pain shooting through my head. afterwards i walked outside to my car. by the time i got to my car, i fell into it & i could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. it hurt so fucking badly. it was like sharp knives were stabbing into my ears & the top of my head & my forehead, piercing through my skull & slicing at my brain. now i wasn't too shocked by this pain because before i got the pain medication, it happened quite frequently.
so i start driving home. the pain is getting worse. so i call my mom. she knew something was wrong by my voice & she had a terrible day so she was like, 'jesus christ, what is wrong now?' that was more than i could take at that point. so i was like, 'screw you' & i hung up & turned off my phone & kept driving. well the pain kept getting worse & worse even though it didn't seem possible, but it did. i was like five minutes from my house & i started sobbing & screaming & crying (while driving.) i couldn't take the pain. i wanted to pull over but more than that i wanted to just get fucking home. so i kept driving. i was in front of the seven eleven & i stared at each telephone pole i passed. i wanted to lay on the fucking gas & just drive into a pole. i wanted to be dead, well i always want to be dead, but it was more than that. i couldn't take the pain & i swear to god, i almost ran into a fucking pole to stop the throbbing.
so finally i get home. i was in so much pain. i planned on just taking a pain killer, warning my mom she would hear screaming & going downstairs & screaming & crying the pain away. but it didn't work that way. i got in the front door. it felt like someone was pinching the blood vessels in my head & slicing veins open & squeezing my brain & shoving needles & hammering nails into my skull. i can't explain the pain. i just can't. i couldn't feel anything. i couldn't feel my body, i couldn't walk. all i could feel was the pain.
so i'm walking in & i start breathing hard, like when i am having a panic attack. & i rush into the kitchen for the pill. & my mom is in front of the sink so i can't get it. so i fall forward & stop myself, hands on the counter. & i'm breathing so hard. & my mom is like 'what's wrong? dena? what's wrong? oh my god i can't take this?' i tried to answer her. i looked around & i fell to the ground & started crying so hard. & finally i screamed, 'my head. mom it's splitting, i can't open my eyes.' so i'm on the floor covering my eyes with one hand & holding the top of my head in the other. & my mom knows what's going on now so she gets my medicine & water & she kneels down by me & gives me the pill. then she helps me into her bedroom & turns off all the lights & lays me on the bed & gives me a blanket & just pats my arm like she used to do when i was a little girl. & i just cried & cried.
my head still hurts a-fucking-lot. it's not as bad now but it hurts like hell. i have a doctor appointment tomorrow. my mom wants me to get a catscan done, one with contrast & one without contrast. whatever the fuck that means, i don't know. but she knows. & i'm nineteen years old but my mom still takes care of me & i love her so much for it. & i am so scared that something is wrong with me.
written on 2003-12-10 at 8:57 p.m.
she / lost