a little bit of a resurrection
my life journal: cutmedown








alone anymore


this is going to be (pick a word any word). sort of feeling hopeless right now. do you know how many times the thought of becoming a nun has crossed my mind today? 3 to 5 times. products of the hopelessness, these thoughts. anxiety has gotten the better of me again. anxiety is a pathetic title for the evil. you would understand if you could step inside just for a moment.

I apologize for being and feeling so yucky tonite. It's just that I am becoming afraid. Everything that I have seems pale. Does that make sense? Spring Break is over. ha. I remember that one of my ex boyfriends, not the last one, but the one before him, he always used to yell at me for apologizing too much. It's true I have that habit. I apologize for the most stupid shit.

You know I truly and honestly believe that physically I am an ugly person. Sometimes I look in the mirror though and I wish that someone could see me as I see myself. There is beauty here. Maybe it's hiding, afraid like me, but it's here.

I don't want to be alone anymore.


written on 2003-03-23 at 10:53 p.m.

she / lost