I don't remember it all. I remember fragments. We got to his friends apartment and we all a shared a joint and a bottle of something. Then we all went for a walk. He lived right off of the highway. Behind a large warehouse store. On a sort of dirt road. Lined with cheap, dirty houses and tractor trailors. It was dark, but the sky was full of stars that night and are path was lit by street lights.
I don't remember the walk back. I remember getting back into his apartment. It had to be atleast 90 degrees. There was no air condition, no fan. My friend and her boyfriend started messing around on the couch. I sat on the other couch with him. Afraid. All night long they had all been pressuring me.
He kept asking me and I swear to God I must have given him atleast twenty different, reasons, excuses, pleads. He wouldn't really have any of it. He was twenty-two and I was sixteen.
When I tell people this story I always say, "For the first year I blamed it on myself." But the thing is, is that I still blame it all on myself. And someone can tell me until they are blue in the face, that it is not my fault, but nothing will change the way I feel.
I put myself in that position. Yes, I put myself in that position.
I remember laying with my back down flat on that couch and my legs spread. It was so painful. Maybe my innocence was stolen that night, but I lost something else. When he was done, I was sweating so badly that I had to get out of there. He fell asleep on that couch and so did my friend and her boyfriend. I went outside. I sat down and looked up at the stars. I can't really remember exactly what I thought. I was trying to justify all of it. Thinking maybe it is a good thing, maybe it was time for me to lose my virginity. I was sixteen. It shouldn't have been that way. It just should not have been that way.
Time has passed and I have new memories now. I have loved and lost. I have grown, physically and emotionally. When I look at the stars I do not think of that night. Sometimes though, it comes back to me. In tearful bits and pieces. I try to imagine my life without that nite. But I can't really.